Forced to be happy

One friend said that happiness is equivalent with thankfulness. That when we’re grateful, thankful for everything we have, everything happen in our life, then we’ll be happy. Next question is? Is it that simple? To be happy by only being grateful. Well then, i’m not a saint.

If you’re asking me, am i happy? Well, i’m happy in general. I mean, i have a job, quite a decent job, with proper salary but i feel bored with it sometime. I have a great body (with the height and the weight that might make some people get jealous) but with dark skin. I’m well educated but not that smart though. I have a nice boyfriend but lack of attention and affection, hehehe. Seems like i’m not satisfied with what i’ve achieved. I’m not grateful for what i have.

So like i said, it’s not that easy. Because human identical with dissatisfaction. It’s so hard to grateful when you’re not satisfied with what you have. Rumput tetangga selalu terlihat lebih hijau, katanya. Makanya mungkin yang ada kita memaksakan diri untuk terlihat bahagia. Baiklah, saya sudah puas kok dengan yang saya punya, saya bahagia. PAdahal dalam hati saya tersiksa, karena saya ingin lebih. Well selama mampu untuk mendapatkan lebih, kenapa tidak. Tapi kalau memang ngga bisa, ya jangan dipaksakan.

Like in my relationship, i really want to say that i’m happy. I’m so grateful for the boyfriend i have. Sorry but it’s true, he’s not that great sometimes. And i have to admit that sometimes i want more.  I’m craving for more but he give me nothing. I love him so much, but i’m not happy. I can’t deny that sometimes i want to leave this relationship, but then i don’t. I stay. I try to be grateful. But somehow, i can’t force myself to be happy when i don’t. Though i’m good at accepting, adapting, forcing myself to do something i don’t really enjoy. It just feels wrong. Sigh. It’s not like i don’t love him. I’ve said before, i love him so much. But seems like something’s missing.

Well, maybe i need to be more thankful, it’s the easiest solution. At least i have a boyfriend right. And we’ve been through this past 6 years together. And last thing i need is doubt. I need to be certain. I don’t want to forced myself to be happy.

[It's a bad post,, i shouldn't write this,, but i have to]